The Evil Version of Me

evil-cartmanI’ve spent a good amount of my life fairly certain that somewhere out there exists an evil version of me. It goes back to when I was in school – while at UM, just about every guy in my group of friends was assigned an “anti” version of himself. Anti-Kenji was this fratty Asian dude we always saw at the cafeteria, Anti-Russ was pretty similar to real Russ, and Anti-Kirk was this big tall guy who always wore basketball shorts and a visor, with his school ID card stuck into the brim.  The theory was that if any of us ever actually came into contact with one of these dudes, we would cancel one another out and cease to exist, as well as possibly rip a hole in the space/time continuum.  Needless to say, we kept our distance.

So here it is all these years later, and again I find myself confronted with an evil twin. It started yesterday, when Dan A. sent along this picture of a CD he found in his friend’s car:


AWESOME. Is it possible for this guy to be any more of an evil version of me? He’s like a checklist of evil-version characteristics.  Facial hair?  Check.  Black leather jacket? Check. Unkempt appearance? Check. Vaguely threatening jewelry? Check. And then there’s the issue of his name. I mean, seriously. I can’t think of a more perfectly evil variation on my name.

Dan also pointed me to his myspace page – which I feel I should note contains a bunch of great music – and I decided to friend request him. I sent the request along with a note explaining that we were clearly evil versions of one another, and that we should probably never meet, lest we cause all of existence to cancel itself out.

A couple of hours later, I got word that he’d accepted my request, and also that he’d left a comment on my page.  I’m not sure I can find the words to explain what makes it so unbelievably effing awesome (in particular, the fact that it was obviously written by an auto-commenting bot) so I took a screen grab so that y’all could see for yourselves:


You’re welcome, Dirk Hamilton.  I will visit your page often.  Mainly to keep tabs on where you are so that we never accidentally run into one another.

After all, I’d hate to be responsible for the negation of existence as we know it.dirks-new-comment1

Unlikely Words That I Like


Crampons are outdoor footwear that include pointed metal parts and are worn on boots to provide traction on snow and ice. General-purpose crampons designed for most mountaineering and glacierice climbing. For ice climbing, specialized crampons that provide better support for front pointingwelted boots to ensure proper fitting. travel are not well suited for vertical are advised. Most crampons require


Ebb is the flowing back of the tide as the water returns to the sea (opposed to flood, flow ).


Thwart (transitive) to prevent; to halt; to cause to fail; to foil; to frustrate.


Gubernatorial : of or relating to a governor.


The phalanx (Ancient Greek: φάλαγξ, Modern Greek: φάλαγγα, phālanga) (plural phalanxes or phalanges (Ancient and Modern Greek: φάλαγγες, phālanges)) is a rectangular mass military formation, usually composed entirely of heavy infantry armed with spears, pikes, or similar weapons.


In the television industry (especially in North America), a lower third is a graphic placed in the lower area of the screen, though not necessarily the entire lower third of it as the name suggests. (…)

Lower thirds are also often known as captions, or occasionally chyrons in North America,[1] and astons in the United Kingdom, after the major suppliers of broadcast caption/graphic generators. Other common terms include superbars (or simply supers) (US) and name straps (UK).


Tchotchke—originally from a Slavic word for “toys” (Polish cacka, tsatsca; Russian цацки, tsatsci)—adapted to Yiddish טשאַטשקע tshatshke, tshàtshq·qh|tshawtshq·qh, “trinket”, are small toys, gewgaws, knickknacks, baubles, trinkets, or kitsch.