1) Full Jar of Papalote Salsa
Hmm, I’m kind of hungry… not sure what I could eat… I’ll go over to the fridge, I guess? Okay, going over to the fridge, opening the door, andHELLEEEEW there! Full Jar of Papalote Salsa, I had completely forgotten you were in there! What a completely random happenstance! I totally hadn’t been dreaming of your rocking, spicy deliciousness all day, thinking endlessly about twisting off your lid, gently tipping you over a small bowl (bowl #15, actually), and dipping chips into you over… and over… and over again. Er… what? What was I saying? Um, yeah, I had totally not thought of you in ages, not since that sort of awkward time I professed my love for you in the newspaper. It’s nice to see you! How have you been? Yeah? You have? Hahahahahahaaahaoh, Full Jar of Papalote Salsa, you’re so funny! I had forgotten how much you make me laugh. It’s so nice to talk like this. Hey, what’s this here? Oh, sorry! I just thought you had something on your lid. Thought I’d get it off. Here, let me make sure that your lid’s screwed on tightly enough… hmm…. seems a bit loose, let’s see what happens if I just twiiiist it a litttle…. hmm, maybe a little bit moooore.. twisttwistpourpournom nom nom nom nom.
Sigh. Oh, why try to hide it? I love you, Full Jar of Papalote Salsa.
2) My New Ludwig(TM) Brand Xylophone
Lately, I find myself out gazing at stars, playing guitars, like someone in love! In love with whom, you may ask? In love with you, My New Ludwig(TM) Brand Xylophone! Because when I’m playing those guitars, I’m missing a certain sound, something high and ringing, a perfect something special to put on top of all the buzzing strings, looping melodicas, hooting clarinets… something like you. Some say that the internet is no place to find love, but I think we did just fine, don’t you? I can still remember when I first laid eyes on you, My New Ludwig(TM) Brand Xylophone. You were selling yourself on Ebay, and I knew right away that something about you was different. Some might say that it was merely that you were $10 cheaper than the other Ludwig(TM) Brand Xylophones, but you and I both know it was something more. Sure, you’d had a hard life, being banged on by student musicians, and when you finally arrived at my door, you had some dents and scratches… but that made me cherish your shining, ringing, wounded heart all the more. After a little TLC, you’re as good as new, ready to accompany me onstage and add your crisp, chiming color to my compositions. And for that, for your humble, 2.5-octave brilliance, I simply adore you.
I don’t care if the world laughs at me – I love you, Fishsticks! I love you so much – your salty, processed deliciousness… I could eat you all day long. For some reason that I don’t understand, people may snicker at my love for you, but that does not mute it in the slightest! Fishsticks in the morning, Fishsticks in the evening, Fishsticks at suppertime – if all of the world could just eat a big fat Fishstick, then it would be a happier, more satisfied place! I could dip you, a Fishstick, in dill, in mayonnaise, in ketchup, or even in my other love, the Full Jar of Papalote Salsa, and you’d still be but a variation on the same delicious, frozen treat. Fishsticks, I will love you until the day I die. I just don’t get why everyone is laughing at me.