Monday’s Person I Want To Be

2 Feb

Saving the girl in mom-jeans.

When life seems too big for me, like there are just too many problems in the world, I sometimes find comfort in the simple, direct, borderline-retarded words of 80’s action heroes. These guys had it much easier than the action stars of today – they didn’t have to worry about their past catching up with them or the emotional scarring left by inflicting torture, let ALONE everyday things like taxes or the job market or the economy.  All these guys needed to focus on was making sure they had enough ammo and that they were ready with a spicy one-liner for the next time they threw a bad guy out of an airlock/into a propeller blade/off a cliff.

But of all the 80’s action heroes out there, perhaps none are better suited for these troubled times than the blustering, contradictory, totally fucking awesome Jack Burton.

The man has amazing fashion sense (see picture), wears sunglasses while driving at night, and has a serious way with the ladies.  And by “way,” I mean, “sort of argues with them for a while, then saves them and leaves without so much as a good-bye kiss.” He’s totally rich (he ends the film with at least $3,000, wow), and he surrounds himself with people who can fight better than he can.

Jack also takes ancient Chinese drugs to help himself keep a positive attitude, and is just cool enough to play the part of “America” in a somewhat metaphorically tortured but still interesting HuffPo op-ed from December (though the writer curiously doesn’t mention the weird scene where, just before the final battle and apropos of nothing, Jack and his sidekick Wang toast to the glory of America and the red, white and blue).

And through it all, he saves his love for the one thing in his life that he can truly count on – his truck.

So you know what Jack Burton says:

Why are all those guys at the door? “We may be trapped.”

I am Lo Pan, and he is me! “Are you insane? Is that your problem?”

How are you going to get us outta here, Jack? “I have no idea.”

and of course…

What does ol’ Jack Burton say? “What the hell.”

So I’m just gonna tune out the AM radio talking-heads and tune in to the ol’ Pork Chop express, because even as I write this, Jack’s cruising down the 101, monster-filled trailer in tow, dropping pearls of wisdom into the CB while en route to some Chinatown shenanigans. Thanks to him, when they come to make me pay my dues, I’ll just tell ’em “Yes sir, the check is in the mail.”


No horseshit.

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