1) Trader Joe’s Kettle Corn
Trader Joe’s Kettle Corn, you are a prince in the kingdom of snacks; long have I admired you, sitting haughtily on your throne next to good King Potato Chip and fair Queen Popcorn. But I did not really know you then, and I fear that many of your subjects still do not! There is such depth to your character, far more than just the wonderful combination of salty and sweet that is so prominently displayed on your (sort of weird) candy-striped exterior. After getting to know you, Trader Joe’s Kettle Corn, and learning the joy of finding the occasional kernel that has far more sugar than the others, of the irregularities that make you who you are, I find that I love and respect you all the more. Your deep, delicious flavor demonstrates the strength of character that will be needed in the years to come, when you are called upon to rule all snacks. I trust that you will do so with honor, fairness, and, most importantly, deliciousness.
2) The Hooded Robe My Aunt Lee Gave Me
Shall I compare thee to a chilly morn? Thou art more fluffy and more warming. Rough winds do shake the darling window of my upstairs room, but you, The Hooded Robe My Aunt Lee Gave Me, you keep me warm through it all. I didn’t know how bad I had it in my old robe until you came along. What’s more, your giant hood and ankle-reaching length combine to make me feel like a wizard. And as I’ve always said, “Anything that lets me start my day feeling like a wizard is worthy of my undying adoration.” I’m paraphrasing, but you get the drift.
3) My Sister’s Old 15-Gig iPod
Hello there, My Sister’s Old 15-Gig iPod. Can I tell you something? It’s about how I feel. More specifically, it’s about how I feel about you. As you sit there on the other side of my room, filled with my entire jazz collection, serenading me with the dulcet tones of Rollins and Davis and Evans… well… I’m overwhelmed! My Sister’s Old 15-Gig iPod, when I wanted a permanent musical fixture so that I could listen to records while I worked, you immediately came to mind, but on that fateful day when my sister gave you to me, I couldn’t have anticipated how much you’d change my life! The click-click of your scroll wheel takes me back to a better, more innocent time, and your clean, no-frills interface reminds me of when Apple didn’t feel the need to include a touch screen and Monkeyball on all of its products. And the fact that you came pre-loaded with a copy of The Low End Theory, which I lost several years ago? Bliss.